In 2012, the hilarious comedy Safety Not Guaranteed was released. I probably browsed the video rental store (probably in early 2013 when there were still video rental stores), thought it looked like a quirky romp, and took a chance. Boy am I glad I did! I can’t say enough good things about this movie, but this isn’t a film review… So bear with me.
At this same time, I had just begun my first foray into online dating. Since I got so few matches locally on OkCupid, I tended to browse the recent activity to find interesting looking folks. Something caught my eye, and I clicked on what I think* was a picture of a guy breathing fire.
Holy cow! His profile was probably ripped word for word from an ad featured in the movie.
I obviously had a lot of time on my hands, because I decided to write this guy**.
Me: I want to go back in time to prevent George Lucas from making the prequels… And to get preteen me to nut up.
Time Traveling Suitor (TTS): The Lucas mission will take a lot of experience and preparation. Let’s start with your preteen objective. What obstacles do we face there?
Me: Bullying and low self-esteem. Hopefully prevent a later incident. How are your calibrations?
TTS: So we’re going to need to train you in martial combat . . . twice! Calibrations are going well so far, but everything will need to be reworked for a new travelling companion.
Me: So, why are you going back in time?
TTS: I’m going to the dangerous year of 1985, where I will kidnap my 5 year old self and raise me to be an unrivaled force of nature, thereby attaining great status and prestige. It’s the ultimate in self-improvement.
Me: Won’t that break all the rules of time travel? I mean you’ll be perpetually raising yourself.
TTS: There are rules?!
Me: Well… I guess you would know better than I, but aren’t you not supposed to let you see yourself? Not making too big of waves (like killing someone famous)?
TTS: What’s the worst that can happen? Ok, ok, maybe we should avoid ourselves. If that’s the case, what do I do or say to help preteen you?
Me: I haven’t got it all worked out yet. Probably I’ll need to create some pamphlet to let me know how awesome I am, and that [INITIALS OF BULLY REDACTED]*** just has a poor home life… If that doesn’t work, you NEED to make it clear to me that when I’m 16 I need to say “in sooth” when the creepy guy tells me he’s been watching me.
TTS: Ok, THAT sounds like the beginning of a story I really want to hear!
If only my actual dates were ask exciting as my online conversations!
*It’s been years, my memory might not serve. Give me a break.
**I tried to do it in the style of the actual film conversation. Also, I ripped my George Lucas idea off of a Patton Oswalt bit called “At Midnight I Will Kill George Lucas with a Shovel” off his “Werewolves and Lollipops” album. I heart Patton Oswalt.
***I think that oftentimes bullies are just people who were bullied themselves. Therefore, I justify protecting the name.